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When Amanda Montei started publishing an article last year about married couples who had little or no sex, she didn’t know how open people would be about their sex lives.
But to his surprise, many couples were willing – even grateful – to talk about it.
“It was almost like a pressure valve had been released,” Ms. Montei said of her conversations with more than 30 married people who are among the 50 percent of American adults have sex once a month or less. “Most couples I spoke with said that talking to me was a relief because they could talk openly about their sex lives without judgment.”
The article, published this month in the Modern Love issue of The New York Times Magazine, is based on telephone and video conversations with couples in seven states, as well as Canada, Britain and Italy, and it took Ms Montei five months to achieve this. report.
“My main takeaway is that there are many factors that influence a person’s desire,” she said. “It’s a really complicated negotiation with yourself, with the body and with our current cultural moment.”
In a telephone conversation from her home in the San Francisco Bay Area, Ms. Montei explained how she helped her sources feel comfortable sharing intimate details of their private lives and what questions she hopes then address in his report. These are edited excerpts.
How did you come up with the idea for this article?
I published a book last fall on motherhood and sexuality and received many notes from readers who connected with it and saw themselves represented in it, and who discovered that motherhood had an impact on the way they perceived their bodies, their sex lives and their relationships. Writing and publishing the book made me more curious about women’s sex lives, particularly how desires can change with age and parenthood; what marriage has tended to demand of women; and how people in long-term heterosexual relationships navigate these changes today.
There has also been a shift in recent times in the public debate around traditional marriage. We’ve seen a lot of media coverage about polyamory and questions about monogamy, but less coverage about marital sex and what that looks like today. I wanted to explore that.
Did you ask people to use their full names?
I tried, but most people asked for some level of anonymity. I think this speaks to the shame and secrecy that surrounds this issue. Many couples I spoke to said it wasn’t something they talked about with other people; this was especially true for men.
How did you get your sources to open up?
I wrote candidly about my life, so I think that helped some of my sources open up. These couples knew I was there to listen to them and did not have a predetermined agenda.
What has been your biggest reporting challenge?
There was so much I wanted to say about the history of marital sex. Many women wrote to…
